Man arrested after claims of little people

A man dressed in a long black sleepgown and red sneakers was arrested last night following multiple calls from concerned residents about his erratic behavior.

The man, who called himself Gargamel the Wizard, was seen running through the forest chasing invisible blue creatures. Once police arrived on the scene he became more and more belligerent and ultimately charged at one of the officers resulting in use of non lethal force to restrain him.

An investigation revealed that the man had been consuming large amounts of mushrooms that grow throughout the surronding forest. The mushrooms are know to have hallucinogenic properties and this was the cause of his behavior.

Officer Mike Strode told reporters that Gargamel claimed that deep in the woods there was a secret village of blue colored little people and he needed to find their location so as to use them in his magic spells.

Gargamel has been sent for psych evaluation.

Gargamel the wizard looking wizardy

More as it develops.

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Civil War reenactment leaves 36 dead and the South in charge

I decided to post this after many many rewrites. Im doing this so as to show a perfect example of when a headline is to strong for an actual article. If I could only post the headline I would. I love the headline but absolutelyhate the article, I simply could not make it work.

Thought you might enjoy a little behind the scenes glimpse into the hustle and bustle that is Talker99.

Swinton, Virginia

The Battle of Bucksdrop Ridge has long been remembered as a turning point in the Civil war. The battle took place on April 2nd, 1862 and is known as the “place where the South started its fall” due to the significant amount of casualties the Confederates took(estimated 12000 dead and wounded).

It was this battle that bred the start of the Northern command Ulysses S. Grants well known legend. Every year as a show of respect to those lost in this great war the town of Swinton holds its annual reenactment. It is a fun time for both the casual observer and the hardnosed civil war buff and never have any problems arose.

Until today.

We regret to inform that todays reenactment, though hard fought by all involved, was not won by the North.

Reports are still coming in but we do know that at least 36 are dead and the Southern Confederacy has taken control of the hill. Apparently they were last seen marching north and had begun to split into two camps.

Civil war reenactors from at least three states have started securing their boarders, though at presstime it is unsure which Grant reenactor will be in charge.

We will update as it develops.

Talker99 Knows Film: Crawl

As a child I spent every weekend glued to my tv watching every thing it could throw at me. The film I remember most fondly (due to the amount of repeat viewings that took place )is the Jaws in the sewers knock off, Alligator.

They must have played that film at least a hundred times over a two year period and I think I was there for every viewing. I loved that film. I mean, I loved any film with a monster in it but Alligator was on a whole nother level. When it ate the kid pushed into the pool I became giddy. When it emerged from the sewers and ate the fat cop I laughed with excitement. I watched films that were written by the writer of Alligator just because he wrote it, I was dedicated.

Because of that film I will watch any alligator or crocodile film that comes out the swamp. Ive seen Lake Placid at least 15 times and the film Rogue even more(outstanding movie). So when I saw the preview for Crawl, due out this Friday, it became my number 1 choice for the summer(beating Godzilla which was very hard to do).

Everything about it screamed awesome. Produced by Sam Rami(Evil Dead), directed by Alexandre Aja(the hills have eyes remake) and featuring killer alligators during a hurricane…. Take my money.

So…. Does it measure up?

Yes, yes it does. Story goes like this….a girl gets a call from her sister who tells her that she is worried about their father. She hasnt heard from him and there is a catagory 5 hurricane about to hit the town he lives in so she asks her sis to go check on him since shes only 2 hours away from his house.

Reluctantly she agrees and heads towards the rest of the movie.

She gets there to find her dad knocked unconscious in the underside of the house and as she tries to move him she finds an alligator has set up shop.

Trapped under the house, hurricane flooding everything around her and with no one coming to help, she is pretty much screwed.

Its a simple set up but perfectly executed in both style and direction.

Its tense, tight and totally worth the price of admission. It reminded me in a way of the film The Shallows. Both films dealt with a girl in an extreme situation being hunted by a largly unseen force.

Both films are entertaining but this one is just a bit better.

If you got time this weekend and Toy Story is sold out then definitely check this one out. For the money though this ones the better of the two.

Talker99 Looks Ahead: Halloween

Due to the overwhelming viewer response to the Talker99 Looks Back series, we at Talker99 thought that it might be enjoyable for you(the reader) to read one of the companion pieces to Looks Back, imaginatively titled: LooksAhead. We would like to remind you that the Looks Ahead series that you(the reader) are about to read is still in beta testing. What this means is that it is an untested and unfinished product and Talker99 is not responsible nor liable for anything that may come from its use. Proceed with care and caution. Thank you.

October 31st has long been more than just another day, it has also been Halloween.

All Hallows Eve

Witches night

The End of October

Fat Tuesday

These are just some of the many names the dark night has been called(also known as Batman). What is this night about though and what is it really for?

What kind of retched history can this so called “Halloween” have and, more importantly, why does it involve candy?

Well kiddies, sit back and I shall tell you the horrifying history of Halloween(actually, I’m not going to tell you a whole history, more like some random facts. They will be about Halloween though, not necessarily horrifying but Halloween none-the-less)

Halloween was started in the year 1972(the year of the Lord)

Candy, which has long been an instrument of the Devil(on account of it being so tasty) was chosen to represent Halloween over the Devils other instrument, the Flute.

The idea to actually give children the candy was decided after finding that no one knew what to do with all the candy they had brought.

George Clooney is on record as being the first trick- or- treater(he dressed as a ghost).

The first recorded Bob for Apples game was at George and Marcy’s 1983 Key Party(invitation only) in Tampa Bay, Florida. The term Bob for Apples took on a decidedly different meaning there though, and it was during the month of August.

Brad Pitts birthday falls on Halloween(though he changed it once he became a star). Other notable celebs with Halloween births are: Mary Kate Olsen, Tiger Woods, Frank Stallone, The Devil, Will Ferrell, Richard Simmons, Balthazar Getty, Adult film legend Tera Patrick, Marky Mark, the cast of Greys Anatomy, Bill Cosby, the voice of the Kool aid man

Happy Halloween.

Talker99 Editorial

The following is an editorial by our editor. We understand that this statement is redundant but it is honestly the only way we could figure out how to say it. That being said, the editorial in no way represents the thoughts and feelings of the staff of Talker99, just our editor(Talker99). Thank you.

Oh shit, oh shit….. I just had something amazing freaking happen to me…..

Okay….I was driving down the 101 about to take the next exit when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash of white light across my eyes. I immediately pulled over to rub the light out my eyes and to try and see where its coming from.

The light keeps flashing across my dash and I follow it back to where it starts and to my fucking amazement I see Bigfoot standing there!

He is holding a little mirror and reflecting the light off the lightposts onto oncoming traffic. I stare a little longer and I see that what he is really trying to do is signal for help!

So I balls up and go sprinting over to him so I can see what I can do. When I get to him I see that lying next to him is a lady Bigfoot, all naked and hairy, just bleeding out. Apparently she was sideswipped and the fucker just took off with no thought of these amazing, majestic creatures that he had hurt.

Well I rushed back to the car and got out my medkit(you never know) and then hightailed it back to Bigfoot.

I then wrapped ladyfoot up real tight so as to stop the bleeding, gave a few advil, explained what to do with the advil and then gave some water out of my canteen.

Bigfoot tapped my shoulder as a show of gratitude and they both walked silently into the bush. It was simply jawdropping amazing.

Well I had to tell someone, anyone, so I highsped it up the road to the nearest store. I ran inside to the counter and, I swear to christ this is true, the teller looked just like former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino.

True srory.

Talker99 looks back: Is it time for those decorations to come out of the closet?

Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween…Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(or, if you’re not into him then the C can stand for “Christmas Story”,they play it for 24 hours on TBS, they know funny). It also is a time for flashy decorations, gaudy costumes and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members. It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept, and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? Talker99 is here to help, while I may not exactly “hang my stockings with care” or “do the monster mash” like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, I at least know a good “Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip” when I see one so I put together this handy reference guide simply because I care.

Are you noticing how chilly it’s getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call “Ol Man Winter” (or “Jack Frost” to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it’s starting to feel like Winter so get those clothes out because it’s cold out!

So what’s the point? I’ll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don’t care if you’re Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good. The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it’s time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly.

Next, what month is it? Here’s a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say? There you go.

Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call “repressed memories” or, in layman terms, nostalgia. It’s a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up as you get closer to some sort of family function that you don’t really want to go to then chances are it’s time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your “electric reindeer”(it’s an 80’s dance and a penis reference).

Happy Holidays.

A Talker99 Editorial: Hollywood

Welcome to tonight’s Talker99 Editorial. We at Talker99 would like to remind you that the thoughts and views represented in the following article do not represent the writers of Talker99, just our editor, Talker99. While we hope you will find some enlightenment or, perhaps even, inner peace, we realize that these are but dreams that we cling to in order to make it through another work day writing this blog that you currently have before you. An example of our work day dream state that we usually reside in would be how we spent most of the month of June. During that month(and at least three days in the month of July as well), we spent most of the afternoons dreaming that we owned a jet-pack and were flying in and out of the clouds above our building. To answer the question we already know is on your mind but have yet to formulate the words to ask, yes, we were able to complete our daily work routines as well. But enough about us, please enjoy the editorial you are about to read, just remember it does not represent the writers or publishers of Talker99. Thank you.

Celebrities know what’s right and you and I should just shut our collective traps and take in some of their genius.

Don’t you understand how much more intelligent and beautiful those celebrities are? They only have our best interest at heart, which for a celebrity, is a heart of gold and love.

When ever I’m sitting at home and a news story comes on about whatever new Hollywood star has spoken his or her wisdom, I will stop what I’m doing, no matter what it is, and put my ear to the tube because I know that whatever is about to be spoke is simply going to be Awesome! When I say stop everything I mean stop everything.

One time my kid was bleeding from the eyes….the God damned eyes! I mean, she couldn’t see shit there was so much blood. Well a story about how George Clooney said something smart after hanging out with President Obama all day was coming on, so I stopped holding my baby and just gave her a tissue to dab at her blood filled sockets. While she did that I just saddled up and took in the genius that is George “Perfect Storm” Clooney! That’s how God Damned serious I am about this.

Sean Penn is a God! A mutherfuckin God damn God! I said it! You heard it! You need to listen when he speaks. Shit, you need to listen when he God damned coughs! There’s more enlightenment in his nightly snoring than Allah could even wish to have. He has so much love and devotion in his daily verse that it makes Jesus jealous. There should be a church of Penn, that’s how God like he is in his speech.

Let me tell you a story.

My other child had lost her legs in a freak Tether-ball accident and as I was carrying her inside, I heard from the radio that Sean Penn had said something about George W Bush and how Mr. Penn hated the war. Well, I put my legless little girl down on the floor with a pack of ice and some Advil and told her to quit crying so as daddy could listen to Mr. Penn. She stopped crying instantly, the doctors told me it was because she went into shock, but I think it was because she wished to hear the wisdom of Sean! Even my God Damned legless little girl shut up to hear his words, even she knew!

So all I’m saying is listen to Hollywood, they know what’s best. We…..we are just simpletons compared to Hollywood. Just listen, you’ll see.

Hey there Costa Rica

Whats up? Yeah, that’s right Costa Rica, I’m talking to you. Man, I don’t know what it is but you sure are lookin fine! Look at you….all pretty an Costa Rica-like….

God-damn if you ain’t tha prettiest Costa Rica out there…..What’s that? You say you is the only Costa Rica? …..Lemme check my map…..Well sure enough, you is the only Costa Rica….Man, do I feel silly…..

Wait…..am I in Heaven? I knows I’m in Heaven, I must be. Shit….I done died and gone there, to Heaven I mean….Why? Cuz you there Costa Rica got to be the prettiest damn Angel I’ve done ever seen, meaning I died and gone to Heaven cuz you an angel and that’s tha only place angels be at…No….I’m just fucking with you Costa Rica, I know I’m not in Heaven, but you sure is pretty……

Oh snap….You gots yourself a beach? Man Costa Rica, is that true, lemme check my map……oh double snap…..you do got a beach….man….looking at you is making me realize all those other beaches ain’t got nothin on you….I want you to be my beach….What’s that? You got to go? No, I don’t hear a phone ringing…..no….I didn’t hear anybody call out your name….It’s cool….Costa….Rica….I’ll see ya around…
Paid for by the Costa Rica Travel Group

Talker99 looks back: Powerade under fire for racism

This article, written in 2009, is being presented as part of our Talker99 Looks Back series.

The Looks Back series is a lighthearted look back at the early days of Talker99. These articles are like time capsules from a bygone era, showcased so we can look back to a simpler time. Have you ever heard someone speak of a time when people didnt feel the need to lock their doors at night? While that may sound like crazy talk or science fiction to you today, these articles represent that safer, happier time and that feeling is reflected in every word that you will be reading after getting done reading this that you now read.

The sports drink Powerade is under fire today after the Rev. Al Sharpton told reporters that he thinks the drink is trying to push a message of hate upon the youth of America, saying that it is operating as a neo-nazi propaganda drink in disguise of a sports quencher. He cites the surge in sales for its drink Arctic Cherry Blast, otherwise known as the “white Powerade” as proof of his belief, asking, “I know it may seem far-fetched, but when it comes to the protection of our youth, does it matter? For those of you that think it’s to outlandish, I say you’re probably racist as well.”

Miranda Johanson, a spokesperson for the drink who just happens to be white, talked to us by phone and expressed her discomfort about even talking about this subject, “Look, the Powerade drink is not spreading a message of hate. Nor is it racist in any way, although I will admit that the ad campaign we used for Arctic Cherry was not the brightest idea in terms of marketing. I mean…. shit, when that kid at the end of the commercial looked at the camera and asked, Do you have white Powerade? I knew we were in trouble. But I promise you this company is not in any way, shape or form, a racist. Al Sharpton is crazy.”

After the Reverend Sharpton heard what Mrs. Johanson told us, he replied, “She’s racist for saying I’m crazy. Does she say that because I’m a black man? Is she saying all black men are crazy? I think she is, therefore she is racist……… I told you.”

We at Talker99 had reservations about even putting this article up out of fear of being called racist, but Al Sharpton told us it was cool. So……..alrighty then. Be cool.

1 out of 20 people are living with Gymnastics: a Talker99 Special Report

Kerri Potts, age thirteen, contemplates her next move. Usually on a day like today, Kerri would avoid the cafeteria at her school in Rockport, New Hampshire and just walk straight to class, the problem she finds herself in though is that she really wants a bananna.

She sits silently for a moment, looks towards me and then the door….. Suddenly she springs forward, does a front handspring through the cafeteria doors, twists to the right, shakes her hips, backwards somersault, cartwheel, cartwheel again, ariel walkover(quite impressive), split leap, back handstand, flip and bow. She then grabs a bananna, turns, cartwheel, roundoff, split leap, splits and bow to no one important then runs out the doors. It was amazing and frightening all at once.

Everyone in the cafeteria then went back to talking as if nothing happened. My look of shock caught the attention of two girls who asked me why I looked the way I did. After stating that I had never seen someone with Gymnastics in everyday life they giggled and said to just wait, her lunchtime show was always better.

Young Kerri is not alone in her inspiring grief. She is just one of many millions who are currently diagnosed with Gymnastics.

With your help though we can try to put a stop to the pain that Gymnastics sufferers are put through on an hourly basis.

With just a small donation of mere pennies a day, you can be young Kerris savior. Every donation goes right towards the study and, hopefully, cure that can end this debilitating muscle toning disease.

Wont it feel good to know that you were apart of the cure.

Kerri is counting on you….

Talker99 Editorial presented to you in Surround Sound

The following is an editorial. It in no way represents the feelings or thoughts of the staff at Talker99, just our editor. If at anytime you begin to feel discomfort or lightheaded we would like to direct your attention to the back button which is conveniently located either directly above in your browser or directly below in your phone. These buttons are there for your consideration on the off chance that you find the content below in any way uncomfortable.

At first I was kinda cool with all the live action remakes of Disney cartoons. I mean, Cinderella was ok, the Jungle Book was entertaining, Beauty and the Beast…. Meh.

Dumbo made the mistake of hiring Tim Burton as its director(he lost the edge he once had when he directed Ed Scissorhands, Batman and Ed Wood. He relies entirely too much on cg effects and sappy storytelling)

Aladin made the mistake of not casting Jack Black as the genie and of having the man who directed Snatch call the shots.

Now we get the Lion King, a supposed live action version but in reality it just swapped one animation style for another.

Lady and the Tramp….. No more Siamese cats to cause trouble.

The Little Mermaid…. Casting of a black girl…. Wait, I actually dont have an issue with this choice by Disney. I dont see any reason why so many online are complaining. Of course I also thought Ghostbusters with a female cast was smart…. Until I saw it. Great idea, poor execution.

Disney owns, like, 60 percent of what is in theaters these days. They own Star Wars, 20th century fox and so many other things not worth mentioning…. All Im saying is that these remakes are the 2019 equivalent of “catch it now before they go back in the vault. ”

I expect a little bit more imagination from the monopoly of film.

Next….

The Shining pt. 2…..wtf? The makers of this unexpected film either have nerves of steel and balls to match, are complete idiots who know nothing about a fanbase or are extremely confident in their filmaking style and will surprise people like me once this film is released.

The Kubrick version of the Shining is one of the most dissected and over anylyzed pieces of cinema ever made. Conspiracies abound with this film, from Kubrick dropping hints about the moon landing to it is a representation of the plight of the native American people.

To make a direct sequel so many years after is, honestly, looking for trouble.

On a side note, I have never been a fan of Kubrick. His films are to long, to drawnout and to over directed.

Next…..

Fuck Childs Play….

The original still holds up today. Its story, far fetched, its execution, well done.

The reboot…. Its story, tired and dated(tech, a. I. And linking it all to the cloud, yawn) its execution, blah, its Chucky, big headed and not even remotely creepy.

Last thing, I will watch Aubrey Plaza in pretty much anything. It had that going for it.

Thats all.

Seats going fast for Talker99 event

Seats are limited but you can still get one IF YOU HURRY!

“Seats? To what am I needing seats to?” I can hear you say….

To TALKER99 2019!!!!

Its a three day event that will teach YOU how to write and blog until your dreams come true….

1st day: BE A BLOGSTAR…..Non stop workshops and seminars dedicated to all things BLOG. You will learn from the master himself TALKER99, plus many other bloggers that have dedicated their entire existence onto the artform that is BLOGGING.

In attendance will be Angela Rothschild(Blogright.wordpress.com)

Micheal Morris(blognow.wordpress.com)

Sir Anthony Swiss(blogroyal.wordpress.com

And so many more.

2nd fanfuckingtastic day…..

TALKER99 slows the steamtrain down a bit so as to talk about followers….

In a one on one setting that everyone can attend, the mystro tells YOU, yes, YOU how you can be just like him in a few short months and have a awesome following of 150 people!

Imagine, YOU , yes You, can have people read your shit on a almost every other maybe day! Whats next? Fame? Fortune? Who the fuck knows!!!

3rd day…..

Brunch.

Reserve that shit now!

Victoria Ray

BOOKS. WRITING. ADULT HUMOR. COMEDY. ABSURD.

Learning to write

Just your average PhD student using the internet to enhance their CV

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Fake News You Can Trust

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Office Thermostat

How to Survive in the Modern Day Workplace

The Return of the Modern Philosopher

Deep Thoughts from the Shallow End of the Pool

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Stick around and you might learn

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No news is bad news - Swansea satire site

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an Irish nerd's eye look at the world of film

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Rants, humor, sarcasm, and a haiku-like substance? It's hard to know what's going to come out of our minds next.

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Turning your toddler’s life into over dramatic news

Shawn Writes Stuff

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