You found me.

So Glad.

So Surprised.

Kinda Annoyed.

But Whatever.

You’re finally here.


Talker99 is undecided

For the three of you that were wondering where i have been…..

Family matters that needed my complete attention.

That is your update. On to more pressing issues…

A recent Google search of my name.

The results: 1. A guy who takes photos of women in nylon and showcases them for all to see.

2. This website.

3. (Depending on if you Bing me instead) my other site 365poems.

4. A shit ton of links to russian webhacks. Also, hacks of my email.

5. My book links.

6. More Russian links.

Conclusion: I have decided its time for a name change.

I was once Talker96 but that recieved even more Russian hacks so i ended it.

Talker97 was my evil twin trying to kill me.

Talker98 doesnt have the ring to it.

So what shall i change it to?

Stay tuned.

Guess who’s back? (Here’s a hint: it’s me)

I think it has been long enough, don’t you? With your training complete you shall leave this place a new man, better prepared to write the world’s wrongs and……. uh… excellent to….each other…..?

The above quote is the last words spoken by Master Ping as I was leaving the Tibetan Buddhist village, he had a really thick accent so I’m unsure what was said exactly but I feel like it was close to what is written above. Master Ping loved Bill and Ted.

So yeah….I am back. 

How’s that for an early Christmas present?

I am just as excited as you.

This is written from my phone so it’s short and to the point. kinda like when I have sex.

It’s not really like when I have sex. I’m not even sure what the hell that means but it felt good to finally say it……wait….what?

Filler 2: The Revenge of the Filler

Note from Talker99(creator of the Pinata): Occasionally I have absolutely no news to report, zero to say about film  and fashion and even less to talk with you about the current Otter epidemic rampaging through Orange County California. On these days I find it easier to showcase my long list of lost reports and abandoned headlines to you instead of a reblog or an article about writing articles about how to blog better and get more followers(besides, you would only be getting followers whose only motivation for following is in hope that you in turn will follow them, they are actually just manipulating you. It’s almost as if you are in the film The Usual Suspects, they are the Kevin Spacey character and you are the cop played by Chazz Palminteri, only it’s not the movie, it’s real freaking life and you are being used for their ultimate gain……scary huh? You better drop all those Keyser Soze followers you got and wake the fuck up! If you don’t you might find find yourself in a pretty sticky situation! WordPressers……all just in it for their own self satisfaction….. and to steal your credit card info).  So now I give you a bunch of stuff that was written for the site but I decided it wasn’t good enough to post(until today, cuz I got nothing else) and a bunch of Headlines that, while good, were never finished because the headline was the only thing I could come up with. Oh and maybe I’ll throw in a bad poem or two…..and a story….yeah, a little story I wrote while waiting in the car for my girlfriend to come out of the grocery store, God knows you guys will love that. Probably more than my credit card info…….well, actually you’d like that more…..cuz you’re all thieves……and gypsies………


Tragedy in the Heartland, 8 killed by rampaging bird at cereal factory

At least 8 workers at the General Mills factory in Golden Valley, Minnesota have been murdered after a wild bird broke into the building they were in and went on an almost hour long rampage.

The incident took place sometime around seven this morning and while details are still sketchy, we can tell you that after arriving for work, coworkers were confronted by a large Cuckoo Bird wearing a pink and white striped shirt and carrying a shotgun. The Bird, known only as Sonny, had just been laid off from General Mills where he worked as the mascot for the Cocoa Puffs cereal for almost fifty years.

Friends of Sonny told us that he had been cutting himself off from everyone following the lay off and had posted disturbing comments about General Mills yesterday on his Facebook page. When police arrived on the scene, Sonny was apparently sitting calmly in front of two boxes of cereal and repeating his now infamous catch phrase, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Sonny is now being held inside the Minneapolis Zoo Bird Exhibit and his bail was set at two million.

Mime news

A mime was brutally attacked and mugged while doing his one man show on
a busy downtown street in Dallas, Texas yesterday within full view of hundreds of pedestrians going to work, yet not one person stopped to help or call the police due to the fact that they didn’t hear any sound from the victim.

When police finally did arrive on the scene they were faced with the dilemma of how to free a mime that had become trapped in a glass box, which only seemed to complicate matters. Apparently the mimes attackers placed him inside the glass box after they had robbed him, knowing that by doing so they gave themselves at least a ten minute head start. Upon the successful removal of the mime by tossing him an invisible rope so he could climb out of the glass box, police proceeded in questioning him about who attacked him and stole his black and white striped shirt. After about fifteen minutes of silence from the mime, he walked over to an invisible wall and leaned against it, lighting an invisible cigarette as he did.

Sensing that they were getting nowhere with the mime, police began to walk away, as they did they dropped a few coins into his hat.

If you know anything that might help the police in their search for the mime attackers, they are asking that you keep it to yourself.

Seattle resident says it’s just another Manic Monday

Charlie Wallace, a Liberty Tax accountant in Seattle, Washington, told reporters today that, “it’s just another manic Monday.”

He then added that he, “wished it was Sunday because that’s (his) fun day, (his) doesn’t have to run day.”

Following the announcement, Mr Wallace quietly went back to work.

More as it develops.


“Just shoot the fucking dog!”

She yelled from across the road…..

But it wasn’t the dog I was worried about, it would die in due time.

It was myself I was more concerned with…..

And how this would affect my chances of getting a second date.

Another note from Talker99(3 time Olympic watcher): Okay, this next one is an odd one. In my defense I will tell you I was really tired(although not much of a defense, I could have said that I had to pee and it pretty much would have been the same as telling you I was tired. I mean, shit, get some fucking sleep) I think it’s a good poem so screw you if you don’t agree….you’re only here because you want info about my Visa card anyway…..It’s why I am tired in the first place, so I can keep my eye on you.

Rebecca was 16 when she was kidnapped
by the Giant and the 8 year old-
with buttons for eyes-
and whose smile was nothing but sad.
Her tongue was the first to go-
Sliced away for her back talk and lies-
Her virginity soon followed.
Sad, how in an instant-
she lost her childhood innocence.
Somehow she managed to escape-
and make her way back home-
only to find it was now a life unwanted.
Days filled with guilt and shame.
No longer able to speak-
she was forced to write how she felt-
How at night the nightmares consumed her-
And her days were nothing more than a waiting game.
Ten years passed.
The people forgot the crime-
And they forgot about the hell Rebecca endured-
At the hands of the Giant and the 8 year old-
with buttons for eyes.
Rebecca never forgot though-
She even found that sometimes she missed them.
She hated herself for this.
She hated how good it felt-
to finger and cum at their image-
But for Rebecca-
those thoughts were the only times-
that she didn’t feel alone.

Hope you enjoyed this weeks filler. Couldn’t get to the headlines, maybe next time.

Talker99 talks Film

Little known fact about Talker99(Dancer, Friend to Animals and Baywatch star(season 3): He knows a shit load about movies. It’s true, he does. The problem is the fact that he has absolutely no one in his life that enjoys talking about them like he does. He once wanted to have a job in the film business(his dad is a producer so he thought he should follow in his footsteps, sadly he failed). He wanted to be a writer on Saturday Night live as well but decided to stay home instead out of insecurities. So he(me) figured that he(me again) would start talking some film on his(me yet again) website(you’re reading it) so that you(the reader) would learn some knowledge(smartness). Thank you(me?).



Stars: James Marsden, Piper Perabo, Thomas Jane, Billy Bob Thornton and Scott Glen

Okay, when I first saw this I honestly thought it to be a joke. I mean, it had Cyclops from X-men, the chick from Coyote Ugly, Billy Bob, the star of Deep Blue Sea and The Punisher and Scott Glen(who has been in a hell of a lot of movies), why would they be in a film about a rampaging Grizzly Bear? My guess, Money.

The story is simple. A guy(Marsden) goes home after being released from prison to look for a friend who had gone bear hunting but had yet to return. After his arrival we learn that a massive Grizzly is killing any and all who cross his path and doing it in the most grizzly of fashion(pa-dum-dum).

Marsden meets up with his sheriff brother(Jane), his brothers deaf wife(Piper, in an extremely pointless role) a loony bear hunter(Billy) and his brothers boss(Glen) and everyone goes out in the woods to stop the unstoppable killing machine that is the Bear.

I immediately knew it would be a bad film the second I saw that the bear got fourth billing in the opening credits. I’m talking about the only working bear in Hollywood today, the star of the film The Bear, Mr Bart the Bear. Yet I still gave the film a chance(as I do all films) and hoped it would be a nice surprise.

I knew what they were going for which is a type of Jaws in the woods but they failed on every level.

Back when Jaws came out there were many imitators, one of which was a film titled Grizzly, about a rampaging killer grizzly(shocker). The reason it failed to be like Jaws just like this version (and so many other Jaws copycats) fails is simple:you never saw the shark. Don’t get me wrong, Spielberg wanted you to see the shark more but it kept breaking down so he had to be creative. Had it worked though it would have been a much different film and might not have made him the director he is today(my opinion).

The problem with bears lies in the fact that they are actually quite dopey looking even when pissed off. This is proven when toward the end of the film the bear suddenly has a CG animated look of anger about him. Add this to the fact that only his handler is allowed to fight with him(in both boy and girl wigs) and the film becomes a laughable scarefest at best.

It also seems like none of the stars of the film actually were allowed to be within ten feet of the bear because, well, he’s a fucking bear. So since there are not any animatronic bears being used all the shots are green screened when an actor is supposed to be having bear breath caress their face.

Anyway, bad flick.

Talker99 helps

Occasionally I like to think of myself as a helpful person(it’s what I am, a helper).

I won’t help you move. I won’t help you with your homework. I won’t help you by covering for you when you are late to something(dinner, a funeral or your sons circumcision).

What I will help you with is your current situation or standing with the opposite sex(namely female).

Here’s what we are going to do, you are going to scroll up just enough to where these words you are reading are no longer on the screen. You will leave the next paragraph after this one on to where if anyone reads this it will be all they see. Now leave the computer/laptop/tablet/phone/kindle/whatever on so that whoever is snooping for something to bust you on, they will find only this. Okay? Scroll…..


Did I catch you at a bad time? Wait….please read.

You know how when you are next to us in bed and we are reading or watching something and you are looking on your phone/laptop/tablet for things like home decor, clothing you think would look good on us or you, articles on parenting, anything written about a Kardashian, good schools in the surrounding area, what happened on Dance Moms, anything to do with Lifetime Television(honestly, we truly believe that channel is where celebrities go to die because their career is over) where to go tomorrow, what to do tomorrow, how someone you know is a bitch, what your mother said, what your sister said, what you read on anything other than what we want to talk about…….and so forth and so forth…..don’t bring us into what you are doing.

We have nothing to bring to the table.

We will support your dreams. We will be proud of your decisions. We will usually dress how you want us to dress but if we are focused on something, whatever it is at that moment, we trust you to think what you think about whatever it is you want to talk about just so long as we don’t have to talk about it with you.

Ladies, you want equal rights and everything but then expect us to be the rock in the relationship. You need our opinions on everything it seems. How is it equal if you expect us to basically be the deciding factor in your everyday thought process?

Not very equal if you ask me.

We have a hard enough time as is. We have to step up if there is trouble. We have to defend if honor is at stake, We have to be when no one else will be. It’s pretty freaking hard for us so please, cut us some slack if we don’t really want to talk with you about how nicely a watch is designed that you saw on some random website at 12 at night. We had a long day fighting the good fight and really don’t feel like bringing the fight home with us.

Thank you.

On second thought guys……..don’t let them, they will just think you’re an asshole.

Talker99 Editorial

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking) The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone, they do not represent the feelings of the staff at Talker99(namely me, Talker99). After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed, this is completely normal and should not be feared as anything other than what it is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.
That was a poorly written post I wrote earlier. I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it before editing it. My thoughts on midget posts are that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t). What I mean is that they should be short, spunky and full of magic, anything else and they just become a dwarf(wrap your head around that statement people).

And yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it. Here’s the thing, that is way to much work. It is so much easier to create than to de-create(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing swang swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey and I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize. It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.



Ok so I wrote this for H.E.Ellis way back in 2012 for a book called Iconic Interviews. I figured since Valentines is right around the corner I would reblog it. This was written when I was still Talker96 even, I’ve matured to 99 now so the writings a little dated. I still believe though that it was the best chapter in that book. If you got any thoughts on this, I would really like to hear them.


As Valentine’s Day approaches I thought it only appropriate to interview the most wanted man, uh…boy in the world. I’m talking about the one, the only….CUPID.

CUPID – Pleasure to be here. Despite this being my busy time of year, I can always find time for you H.E., you helped my blog become what it is today and for that my heart is ever at your service…..You know, if you wanted I could set you up with somebody? I still feel bad about your last relationship. In my defense though, you were the one who fucked that up. Cupid’s arrow is rarely wrong and sometimes you got to give a little to get a little if you know what I mean….

***** So tell the readers, what is the hardest part being the God of Desire?

CUPID – The hardest part? My cock.

* silence *

Nah, I’m just fucking…

View original post 1,510 more words


Valentines Day is fast approaching and we at Talker99 thought it would be nice to give you a few little facts about the sacred day of love. We understand that nothing says romance like information and we are all about the romance(we’re also about the info, just not as much).

1. Valentines Day started and is named after the St. Valentines Day Massacre of 1929 in Chicago, Illinois. Who Knew that a simple gangland style execution of seven Irish mobsters would result in what is now known as the day of Romance? I’ll bet Al Capone sure didn’t when he ordered the hit.

2. Speaking of Al Capone, he was and still is the basis for the lovable character of Cupid. The artist who originally drew Cupid wanted it to be holding a Tommy Gun, Capone’s favorite weapon, but he caved whenever parents started complaining of how it seemed to glorify violence.

3. Germany is the only country in the world that does not celebrate Valentines Day, but seeing how they don’t have an understanding of what love is it should come as no surprise.

4. My Bloody Valentine, Valentines Day, Valentine, and The Vow are just a few of the films released in years past that showcase the absolute horror that is the day of the Valentine. Warning, they are not for the weak at heart.

5. Valentine is derived from the Latin word, Valanti, meaning: Woman Day.

6. Some though believe that the word Valentine gets its origin from the Italian word Valanichi, meaning: cost to a man.

7. For some unexplainable reason whenever Valentines day falls on a Tuesday the murder rate in Portland, Oregon reaches unusually high numbers. No one can explain why so many people get killed there at this time but it has been like this for centuries. Just an FYI,….

8. Albert Einstein was a huge fan of Valentines Day but sadly never once received a Valentine of his own.

9. On Valentines Day 1983, a man dressed only in an adult diaper and carrying a bow and arrow, killed 12 young couples who were eating dinner along the Boardwalk in Coney Island. One of the survivors of that night was a man who would go on to write the film “Friday the 13th pt 8, Jason takes Manhattan”. He often told people that what gave him the inspiration to write the film was his memory of that terrible night in 1983.

Talker99 asks questions and you answer(celebrity edition)

a84SWyQQa-_E98wK-NzWgg As about three of you may know, sometime ago I came into possession of a little piece of Netland situated on a server located far from here.

It’s a cozy Mountain Website fixated with all the bells and whistles that only a Mountain Website can buy.

But I didn’t buy it, it was handed to me.

I will say though, it’s incredibly lucky that it already had the name Talker99 in its address, otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with it…….probably just put some porn on it and call it a day.

Here’s the thing…..I have no clue as to what I should do with it.

Seriously, I’ve been sitting around for days trying to figure it out and all I’ve done so far was upload porn on it (see, told you)and then quickly take it back down again.

ig7YlldIQcsjlopBcc5p_QSo now I sit and question what I’m even doing.

So this leads me here, to you(the reader).

I ask you what I should do with

I know what I want but have no idea what I want.

I just want.

So take a look. See what I’ve done with the curtains and come back to tell me what needs to be done next.

Also, tell me what kind of site you think it should be.

If your idea is chosen then you might win something(doubtful).

Trix Rabbit arrested

The Trix cereal rabbit was arrested today following an L.A. prostitution sting after reports stating that the rabbit had been performing sexual acts with delinquents for bowls of (1)

The rabbit, who released a statement following the arrest, had this to say, “I’m just glad that it’s all out in the open. Did you people not ever pay attention to those commercials? The kids were saying, no, crying out, Tricks are for Kids! I have a problem, I can admit this. I will seek help following my judgment. Thank you”

No word yet from the Trix cereal makers.

Groundhog Day

Today is Groundhog Day, and for those of you reading this, it won’t come again for another year.

For me, yesterday was Groundhog Day, and tomorrow it will be Groundhog Day again.

You don’t know this, but this is actually my 175th post about Groundhog Day. It is my everyday, my every second, it is my hell.

You won’t believe this, and I don’t even think I care anymore, but everyday for 175 consecutive days, I have woken up and it has been Groundhog day. I don’t know why or what I did to deserve it, but it is just the way that it is for me. I’ve died 18 times, killed a clown and looked straight into the eyes of a tiger that I let loose from the zoo, yet every time and for everyday, I have woken up in my bed on the same morning that I just died on.

Sure, I’ve done what the film said to do. I’ve patched up problems in my life. I’ve reconnected with my father, fell in love with countless women and made them love me, hell, I’ve even saved a truck load of puppies from certain death at the pound, but none of it has worked. Everyday is still Groundhog day.

I realize how this sounds, and tomorrow will hopefully be different, but I honestly don’t believe it will.

This post will be gone and I will have to write a new plea for an escape from this day, and you will simply read it and think to yourself that it is odd, so goes my hell that has become this day of the Groundhog.

Lost articles and Fancy Headlines

I often forget about things I’ve written the moment they are wrote. This is a problem for me because I often will write a list of things that I need to do and then promptly forget about them and go play video games, a fact that doesn’t sit well with to many people(example, School teachers hate when you forget to pick up your kid from kindergarten. I was supposed to do this last week because my girlfriend had somewhere to be. I made sure to write the time so I wouldn’t forget and then, since I had so much time before I had to go, proceeded to play Tomb Raider on the PS4. At around 4:10 I get a call from my girlfriend and she’s telling me our son wasn’t picked up. I responded with, “Well…..where the hell were you?” and then got yelled at even more for being so stupid…..when I get there, mind you I’m only twenty minutes late, the teacher starts telling me how she was late to something she had to go to. I wanted so bad to tell her that Lara Crofts life was in my hands and I can’t just go at the drop of a hat…Tombs needed to be raided, my son can wait…..parent of the year, I know….I said nothing and grabbed my kids hand and took him to the park for being so late. We played for hours).

Anyway, this post is just filled with articles that should have been posted long ago and headlines that I thought were great but never got around to doing them. Basically this post is like when a sitcom only does flashbacks, all filler but for little money. Enjoy.

Lost Halloween episode.

October 31st has long been more than just another day, it has also been Halloween.

All Hallows Eve

Witches night

The End of October

Fat Tuesday

These are just some of the many names the dark night has been called(also known as Batman). But what is this night about and what is it for?What kind of retched history can this so called Halloween have and, more importantly, why does it involve candy?

Well kiddies, sit back and I shall tell you the horrifying history of Halloween(actually, I’m not going to tell you a whole history, more like some random facts. They will be about Halloween though, not necessarily horrifying but Halloween none-the-less)

Halloween was started in the year 1972(the year of the Lord)

Candy, which has long been an instrument of the Devil(on account of it being so tasty) was chosen to represent Halloween over the Devils other instrument, the Flute.

The idea to actually give children the candy was decided after finding that no one knew what to do with all the candy they had brought.

George Clooney is on record as being the first trick- or- treater(he dressed as a ghost).

The first recorded Bob for Apples game was at George and Marcy’s 1983 Key Party(invitation only) in Tampa Bay, Florida. The term Bob for Apples took on a decidedly different meaning there though, and it was during the month of August.

Happy Halloween.

Stupid article

Peoria, IL- Oliver “Gunman” Nolan, a retired Navy Lt. and Korea veteran is being hailed as a hero today after uncovering a Russian spy network inside his own home. After receiving an anonymous email stating that his computer could be infected by spyware, Oliver raced over to the phone and called the C.I.A., telling them that he did a scan of his computer the previous night and the results were “down right scary.”

Scary does not begin to describe the amount of spyware found on Nolans computer, terrifying is actually a better word, though one could go with frightening, it works just as well.

Regardless, his computer was filled with all sorts of spyware and malware(malevolent-ware?), sent by Russian agents so as to infiltrate Americas secrets. Secrets Gunman Nolan should have been keeping secret.

But Gunman Nolan has an online porn addiction.

Sadly, it was soon found out that the spyware came as a direct result to this addiction and the Gunman was promptly arrested. It seems his porn secret is no longer a secret because of the secrets he gave away when he was secretly “hacking” away online. The sites he frequently visited were nothing more than Russian spy networks for Russian spies who placed Russian spyware on the computers of their sites members.

Let this be a lesson.

Stupid article pt 2

Wilmington, De- Nick Walton, who has had a self-proclaimed “love affair for all things Star Wars”, and is the foremost authority in the state of Delaware on memorabilia related to the film, announced to friends online that he’s decided to “grow up and forget about all things Wookie.” While the change has left family relieved, it has not been kind to the online community he used to love.

We talked to Mos Eisley Cantina Online forum moderator Hammerhead223 and he explained what happened, “There’s no question that Nicks absence has put a mighty big hole in the our Death Star of life, its left us all asking what kind of Force was strong enough to pull him away. His online friends have repeatedly told me that they feel like they’ve been thrown down the Sarlacc Pit by Nick, some have even offered a bounty to the Boba Fett that can bring him back. I’ll tell you what I think happened though. A few months ago he met himself a Leia and started dating. That’s it, I’ve seen it countless times in our Galaxy, once you throw a Leia in the mix and the guys get their lightsabers played with a few times you can pretty much guess what happens to their Star Wars way of life, it gets put in a Carbon Freeze.”

Stupid article pt 3, the article strikes back

The makers of the number one headache remedy on the market, Tylenol, held a press conference today so they might “clear the air” about how helpful their migraine pill actually is for the millions of people who buy it on a regular basis.

“Not helpful at all,” according to the spokesman for the company, adding, “We would even go so far as to say that it may actually be responsible for tension headaches these last few years, especially for residents of Maryland, though there have been no conclusive tests done to actually prove this, but it probably has.”

When pressed to explain how Tylenol works and what its active ingredients were the spokesman had this to say, “Chalk, lots of chalk. Also, if I’m not mistaken, tree bark, carrot juice and anger(he wouldn’t explain what he meant by anger as an ingredient, only telling us to look towards the sea where the mission meets the bay and the flowers are constantly dying, it was really creepy the way he said it though)”

He did add one positive note to Tylenol and its makers, telling reporters how proud he was to be making prescription strength Tylenol 3, “It really is the shit, isn’t it? Those people who thought it up are gods among men in my opinion. You got pain? Take a T3. You got arthritis? Take a mutha fuckin T3! You got a party to get to? Pop a T-to-tha-3 and feel as good as you can be.”


1 out of 20 Americans are living with Gymnastics, a special report

Civil war reenactment leaves 36 dead and the South in charge

Great Pumpkin refuses to show yet again

So that’s all for now. I got more but will tell you about them next time I need filler. Drive safe.

Recent study shows kids today have it way better than kids fifty years ago

A recent study done by scientists at M.I.T. shows that children today have fewer restrictions, far less chores and way cooler toys than children 50 years ago. These factors and many more like them have made scientists conclude that they have it way better than kids their age fifty years ago.

Mike Stizer, one of the scientists that was involved with the study had this to say, “Kids today have it so much easier than when I was a kid. I was born an raised in the sixties, I had chores, a bedtime, schoolwork piled a mile high and manners for the adults around me. Kids today have none of these. They have Playstations, freedom to run the streets due to busy, workaholic parents or drug addicted parents, school teachers that fear them or the system they work for due to political correctness and they have absolutely no manners towards adults. This one kid we talked to thought manners was a guy that played for the Braves, so besides the fact that they have it better, they are also idiots.”

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn't have texts

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn’t have texts

Ted, another scientist involved with the study and who only goes by the name of Ted, had this to say, “Kids today have the coolest shit. Kids fifty years ago had shit.”
Read the full report in the newest issue of Forbes magazine

Talker99 sits unsure……and mentions his Book again…..and how you should buy it.

Okay so thanks to all who liked my post where I asked all of you to give a dollar and check out my book titled “Book!!!”.

Here’s a little bit more info about my day though….sxQQIGjuNdmB1_CjzDBXJA

Well….at around ten this morning my girlfriend of six or seven or five years comes into the living room where I am quietly writing a new post for my other site(the one where I’m telling my life story, the one that’s not very amusing).

I was not bothering her what so ever so what happened next came out of left field, as it usually does when a woman is involved….

She sits down next to me and says, “Oh! I’ll leave you alone to work on your little Blog thing…..”

To a casual bystander(such as yourself) this interaction would probably not raise an eyebrow but to someone who knows me…..alarms….

First, I fucking hate the word Blog. I do….I think it is one of the ugliest words in the English language. Blog. Blogging. Blogger. Blogged……like vomit off the tongue they roll whenever spoken in my view so for her to say “your little blog thing” brings it to a level of belittlement towards me, who, I will add once more, was doing nothing wrong at that moment.

I ignored it though. I just smiled and said, “whats up?”

She then goes on to tell me that I spend way to much time with all this writing, especially since I’m to afraid to put myself out there and be judged. That unless I’m actually working towards a goal of either publishment(not a word but fits for some reason) or some kind of work involving me writing words, then I need to spend less time with these sites and more time with her and the kids or housework that needs doing or walking the dog or showering or going outside or…… get the point.

And so did I, She wasn’t all wrong in her speech, nor was she all right, she just was…..

I don’t spend that much time with my sites actually. What I think is her belief that I’m on this site constantly is mistaken by the simple fact that I spend way more time looking at porn online than I ever would if I was sitting here writing……kidding, Im kidding. Porn is only about ten minutes, the rest is craigslist, movie sites and’m looking for an electric skateboard, I watch tons of movies and trailers and I get all my quicklinks through allmy, sue me)

Also, I’m working on my life story site because eventually, with hef4952045117718avy editing and more context, I am actually hoping to publish a book(I had a very interesting life, add this with the fact that all the books Ive ever read about someone who went through addictions seem like utter bullshit and fabrication, this fact made me want to be as honest as I could ever be about things, so I want a book about me basically to be released, preferably a pop up book).

So she was wrong there as well…..I;m right, she wrong….na na na.

What was my point to all this……stay in school? Crack is whack? No new taxes?

Fuck it….

So everyone supports that I put out my first self published book(meaning, not good enough for prime time, but still allowing me to say I’m published….by me…..I’m the publisher)

But no one paid a dollar to support me in my rubbing it in my girlfriends face that she was wrong in the argument.

Not to be kicked down so quickly, I have now released……Book!!! 2: The 2nd Book!!!

And let me say, it’s way better than the first.

It has more pages.

It has more words.

It can predict the future.

You can read it.

It is Book!!! 2: The 2nd Book!!! and it’s available here

and here

But wait, there’s more…..

I’m going to be releasing a book showcasing my complete works of Poetry I’ve done.

It will largely be ignored and avoided because people do not read or buy poetry but, in all honesty, I am extremelly proud of my poetry. Ill never say those words again but they are true. I think I write simple, not to arrogant or condescending, words of verse that tell whatever I feel at their writing. They are usually dark and mean and filled with things people love to read, like hate and death. They are fun for the kids basically.NKD3-wI4GmdIFFg4Ym13wg

But I hate poetry at the same time. I think this fact helps my stuff in a strange way.

So there, I will never break down this wall again about myself on this site. I just needed to get it out tonight.

Oh, and please buy my dollar book and my dollar fifty book. Seriously, they are quick reads and its not to much money for what Im offering, which is basically you enjoying entertainment and saying out loud that you found something funny.

Knowing is half the battle. NMSjgd7iyrhu44MquZac9g

Talker99 Report: Why Iran hates Isreal

For years, the Islamic Republic of Iran has been at war with the people of Israel, and for years there has been debate over the reasons why.

Some have said that it is a religious disagreement, a simple “My Gods better than your God” type fight. Others have said that it’s a fight over land and money. One guy in Toledo swears that the fight was started back in the Spring of 1982 at Ron Griffords graduation party. Apparently some Jews accidentally bumped into Iran, making them spill their drink all over the new shirt their mom had just got them, and while the shirt was washed and cleansed of the punch that was spilled, the hate that Iran has for the Jews will never wash away….but this is all just rumor.

These beliefs are all wrong.

The real reason for the tiff between the two nations is much more shocking….. but then it becomes, after you really think about it for a minute, a little bit less shocking…… Then, after about two hours of really contemplating the reason, well, it just becomes stupid.

“And what is the reason?” I can hear you saying to yourself.

The reason is simple…..

Iran hates the Jewish people because of the film “Weekend at Bernies”

They just never really liked it. When it came out in 89, the commercials on Iranian t.v.’s showed an ad for something much more humorous, not two hours of a dead guy getting hit repeatedly, having sex and throwing parties. No, Iran simply did not like it, not one bit. Since it had Jonathan Silverman as it’s star, and a Jewish director as its…..well…director and was produced by a now defunct Jewish film production company….well…one plus one plus one = wipe the nation of Israel off the map.

I disagree with Iran totally though, Israel should be left alone and “Weekend” was kinda funny

Want to help me out for about a dollar? Buy my little Book

I was extremely bored and tired of being questioned about my writing by my girlfriend. After taking the abuse for an hour I decided I’d show her whats what and published a little book titled, BOOK!!!.

Since I have no idea why I write what I write, I basically included stuff that you see here. You can get all this plus the satisfaction of helping me make my writing mean something and you can do it all for a dollar and some change.

Here’s the link.

Book!!! 2 is coming shortly.

My Poetry is as well.

Even my memoirs…..



Pokemon Cover up

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon was more than just a children’s card game, it was a highly sophisticated, multinational government cover-up involving various countries throughout the world, all of which were after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us by phone, “some of the nations that were involved were most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over three hundred Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror we got happening is actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and kill all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation. Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami, but you would never hear that from the actual news media…”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix and then ran back to his bedroom. Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown. I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

The Chickasaw Tribe and Casino, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for many tales of wild cowboy legends and the birthplace of the Indian Burn(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually are.

It all began last month after chose the tribe for their Your History Guaranteed promotional campaign which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years back when it came to any members history. To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe to trace, since most tribes didn’t keep records it would be an impressive feat if they succeeded and hopefully bring new members that were unsure as to which site to use for their family history.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made. Not only was the challenge a success but was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began, which the Chickasaws believed to be Southern Oklahoma. They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land, it borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these, the Chickasaws, would” eventually leave their land in hopes of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”. At least that’s what the records that found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding after making the cover of Newsweek with the headline, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”
Stay tuned for more of this great article and many more like it after a brief word from our sponsors…..

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians. Also, the word around the water cooler is that the tribe is having a very hush-hush and steamalicious affair with one of the Kardashian sisters(and no, it’s not Khloe!!!)

Dora the explorer missing

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to come home from their hike up Green Mountain, where they were looking for a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue  cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her Green Mountain Hike. No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case, as are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.  “That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly to all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there. One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help and any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking you to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper, he was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of  multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Washington D.C.,

President Obama spoke last Tuesday during a press conference about how chillingly close we really came to losing the Earth realm during the 2005 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual Mortal Kombat competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters. It’s a millennial old competition where the final outcome decides the losing worlds fate, but the invading universe must win ten straight competitions before taking over so usually there’s nothing to worry about.

In 2005, we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and best fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.  After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger. Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, which was to take place over three days in Outworld, got off to a rocky start after Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list after she broke her ankle while getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport.  A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when blood test results showed positive for both cocaine and steroids, the future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened, an event that will surly rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history, Liu Kang beat them all. He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for, betting cicles around the world placed him last. It was probably this status that helped him win. The night of the final fight, it’s been reported, that Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome and had started drinking heavily before the fight. At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began, three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious after a flying bicycle kick knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, after which an amazing finishing move made Goros head explode and arms rip off. Our world was saved.

President Obama honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37

Powerade under fire for racism

[The sports drink Powerade is under fire today after the Rev. Al Sharpton told reporters that he thinks the drink is trying to push a message of hate upon the youth of America, saying that it is operating as a neo-nazi propaganda drink in disguise of a sports quencher. He cites the surge in sales for its drink Arctic Cherry Blast, otherwise known as the “white Powerade” as proof of his belief, asking, “I know it may seem far-fetched, but when it comes to the protection of our youth, does it matter? For those of you that think it’s to outlandish, I say you’re probably racist as well.”

Miranda Johanson, a  spokesperson for the drink who just happens to be white, not that there is anything wrong with that, talked to us by phone and expressed her discomfort about even talking about this subject, “Look, the Powerade drink is not spreading a message of hate. Nor is it racist in any way, although I will admit that the ad campaign we used for Arctic Cherry was not the brightest idea in terms of marketing. I mean…. shit, when that kid at the end of the commercial looked at the camera and asked, Do you have white Powerade? I knew we were in trouble. But I promise you this company is not in any way, shape or form, a racist. Al Sharpton is crazy.”

After the Reverend Sharpton heard what Mrs. Johanson told us, he replied, “She’s racist for saying I’m crazy. Does she say that because I’m a black man? Is she saying all black men are crazy? I think she is, therefore she is racist……… I told you.”

We at Talker99 had reservations about even putting this article up out of fear of being called racist, but Al Sharpton told us it was cool. So……..alrighty then. Be cool.

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

Alicia Richards tea party ended with violence Saturday when a Care Bear viciously mauled her and her mother while the two were sitting in her bedroom.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia and her mother had just sat down to enjoy some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she walked past her window Grumpy Bear unexpectedly jumped from the girls clothes hamper and attacked.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children. Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he believes this might happen again, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing, no matter how adorable they are. Plus, this one was named Grumpy. I mean, what did people expect to happen? Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? You might have well called him Pissed and looking for a reason cuz that’s what Grumpy says to me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the  Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon. No word as to the status of Alicia or her mother

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store. At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the mens fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen year old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us this morning and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts.. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come down from the hills because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the malls food court but then it stuck around because of the amazing savings that were to be had at the Macy’s one day sale.

Man from Nantucket arrested for indecent exposure

Following the late night raid of the Orchid Sunrise massage parlor,  Fred Hamilton of Nantucket, North Dakota,  was arrested and charged with two counts of indecent exposure and one charge of resisting arrest.

Hamilton, you may remember, gained fame years ago when a limerick one of his friends wrote about him became popular in bars and pubs all over the world. As the popularity of  the song grew, Fred, who at the time was a freshman at the local university, found himself propelled into a world of fame. A world that was almost too much for young Fred to handle.

We recently unearthed a rare 1981 interview that Fred did with Rolling Stone magazine during the height of his popularity. In it he talks of  how the limerick has affected his life and what has changed for him in terms of career goals and family reactions . Below are portions of that interview.
Rolling stone– So I’ve got to ask….can you really suck it?

Hamilton– (laughs) Well, we certainly don’t pull any punches do we? To answer your question, yes. I can in fact, suck it. Would you like to see?

R.S.- No, no. That’s quite all right, maybe later.

H-Very well.

R.S.– Your friend Robert Wilson wrote this limerick about you because, as he puts it, it was the most extraordinary and sickening  thing he had ever seen. Is there a story behind that.

H– I don’t know about a story, but one Saturday night at the dorm where I was in school, a bunch of us were drinking and showing off different talents we had. You know, like I can do a back flip or you can tie a cherry stem in your mouth, basic kid stuff just to impress. Well everyone gets done showing off and I hadn’t said anything the whole time. Robert looks over at me and asks me if I had anything to add. I looked up at everyone in the room and said, “Yeah. I can suck my own dick.”

R.S.- (laughing) Really? You were that blunt?

H– Pretty much. The room was silent for a few moments, but then everyone had to see me do it. So I did. The rest is history.

R.S.- Now your tale is told in every bar around the world.

H– Yeah, it’s funny isn’t it. I mean, I’m just a kid from Nantucket. No one ever thought I would be famous, but here I am talking to Rolling Stone magazine and dating Sally Field. Go figure.

R.S.- Yes, let’s talk about your relationships.

H– Here we go.(rolls his eyes)

R.S.- You are dating Sally Field, but your previous relationship with Kathleen Turner was rocky at best.

H– She’s a bitch, yes.

R.S.- She called you a violent, coke induced little man, saying you hit her on more than one occasion and that, as of late, your rampant drug use has left you limp and insecure. Are any of these allegations true?

H– Look, I was a different man back then. I had no idea what I was doing and probably made some bad choices, I’m human. There was only one time when I did get out of control, but I never hit her, I just shook her real hard and her head was banging against the wall. She could have stopped it from banging, but she didn’t. Who’s fault is that?

R.S.- Well……

H– Her fault, that’s who. Now, as for the limp dick thing,that’s just a flat out lie.
But according to sources, Hamilton would be haunted by drug use for years to come. Eventually he fell out of the limelight when, desperate for money, Hamilton signed on to star in a series of adult films showcasing his sole talent, but on the first day of filming he could not perform. Years of drug use had left him with severe erectile dysfunction. In 1988 he moved back to the town that made him famous, Nantucket, where he has lived since.

Even though he has pleaded not guilty to the charges, this arrest is just one more thing in a life of embarrassment for Fred Hamilton, the man from Nantucket.