cats

Egypt arrested

Posted on by Talker99

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end, everyone is left to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

Posted on by Talker99

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his partner Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination, thankfully though, that plan is never realized. Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn told us by phone,  “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Posted on by Talker99

Glade, Tennessee

After getting lost almost three years ago while their family was vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home, and the community surrounding them has been stricken with aww shucks fever.

One can only imagine what kind of incredible journey these animals have had. Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, they at one point were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of their biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers who suffers from Hyper tension disorder) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched to their former home for pickup,”For three years these animals have made an incredible journey, now that journey has come to an end. They will be split up now and placed in holding stations for either euthanasia or adoption, but considering the age of these animals it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Shocking allegations detailing years of abuse involving the Pound Puppies

Posted on by Talker99

The owners of Violet Vanderfeller(a Greyhound/Shar Pei mix) have come forth today with allegations of abuse and mistreatment involving the City Pound workers and the animals they were responsible for.

“Our poor Violet was beaten so badly that when we finally got her back she could barely walk.” said Susan Hoffendorfer, Violets owner and friend, who talked to us by phone.”It was a horrible, horrible experience for our dog and I hope that they all go to jail for a very long time.”

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

To add insult to injury, a police report has surfaced from two years ago that shows this isn’t the first time the pound has come under fire. According to the report, police were called by a woman claiming she had found three of the dogs that were living at the pound roaming the streets of her neighborhood. All were badly malnourished and beaten. The report goes on to say that the pound puppies were named Cooler(Beagle/Bloodhound mix), Nose Marie(Boxer/Bloodhound) and Howler(Pug/Jack Russel) and seemed to have been looking for something in the neighborhood, though it’s not clear what it was.

The current owners of the pound could not be reached for comment.

More as it develops.

China bans Chinese Food

Posted on by Talker99

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, especially the Olympics, man oh man, you guys sure did love the Olympics didn’t you? Anyways, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy, because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night and wished that there was something more than rice, sauce, noodles and dog, chicken or cat to fry up for dinner.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, “We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Anything we eat here is Chinese food. But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing more than Chinese food here. Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more, when the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have the option of this because there’s not even an Olive Garden anywhere near China! Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s a Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of, Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been listened to and we are banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s whats going down. For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

Penguins study finds…..

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists studying the mating habits of Penguins in Antarctica announced today that contrary to popular belief, Penguins are not in any way gay, but they may be a little bit curious.

Ronald Herrington, who was in charge of the study which was partially funded by the popular Gay and Lesbian lifestyle magazine, Out, talked to us by phone and told us what made them come to this conclusion, “We were out there for about three months, during the height of Penguin mating season, and we viewed, give or take, about thirty thousand penguins coupling.  After awhile the female will lay an egg, take one look at it and decide that she really has no idea what she got herself into, either she thinks that she’s to young to be a mother or she still has some wild oats to sow, whatever it is, she gets the hell out of there and leaves sole custody to the male.

Now, imagine you’re a male penguin, you have just been handed an egg with your son or daughter growing inside it. You’re confused, scared and your heart has been broken, I ask you, what would you do?  Well, in the case of the Arctic Penguin, they turn to their best friend who, ironically, had the exact same thing happen to them.

To make matters worse, the ex girlfriend left them during the coldest part of winter, As a matter of fact, every other guy penguins girl did this to their boyfriends as well….it’s nothing but penguin dick for as far as the eye can see. It, sucks.

The only place for this guy penguin to hang out is down at the ice reef, where all the other guys are. Now remember, it’s freakin freezing out there, so all these guys clump together for warmth. There you all are, a pathetic bunch huddled together to protect each other from the environment, and it could be like this from anywhere to one month to a whopping three. During this time, it is only natural for these guys to experiment a little….. Shit, I was here with four other guys for three months studying the exact same thing I kinda was going through. I’m not saying we got all gay or anything but Tommy, our helicopter pilot, sure did try enough times to get some gayness going on.

Eventually, all the women penguins come crying back, fatter and with a lot more fur. Some of the guys listen to their sob stories and take them back, but others don’t. The ones that don’t take them back found, we think,  that they were happiest with whichever guy they hooked up with. They didn’t know they were gay, but now they sure as hell are more comfy because of it. It happened to Tommy, it sure does happen to penguins.

Many in the scientific community are disputing Mr. Herringtons findings, saying that he has no idea what he’s talking about.

Lohan gunned down! Reign of terror ends….Herbie 2 put on hold

Posted on by Talker99

Lohan gunned down! Reign of terror ends, Herbie 2 put on hold

Last week she was a troubled young actress, yesterday she was a fugitive who staged an amazing escape from police custody, today though, Lindsey Lohan is dead.

After yesterdays helicopter/freeway getaway, police were telling reporters that she might possibly be heading to Mexico or South America where she still has fans(Columbia has an amazingly large amount of fans for her film Freaky Friday, the trading card game that followed the films release only found popularity there and is still played by students). She would be desperate, broke and seemingly willing to do whatever it took to evade capture, a fact she was more than willing to prove following the freeway incident,

Lohan was spotted throughout the night, sending police on what seemed to be a wild goose chase, but as of yet it is unconfirmed whether or not a goose may actually be involved. What is confirmed though is where Lindsey went throughout the night, starting with In&Out Burger directly after the freeway(she got a vanilla shake, small fries and a burger). Next she was seen at Sparse, a nightclub located(the owners of Sparse wish to remain a strictly hush, hush club, where the only way to find it is to know someone who knows where it is, a fact that apparently was quite the headache for law enforcement trying to find it after receiving the report), then at not one but two Wal-marts, where she was spotted buying little travel accessories, one being a tiny bottle of shampoo .Finally, at 3 A.M., police caught a break when the helicopter she escaped in was seen flying over a Denny’s in Wilmington, DE.

Not wanting a repeat of yesterday, police waited until Lohan was finished with her french toast meal and had started for the copter. Caught off guard by the sudden rush of police, at first Lindsey seemed to think that what was surrounding her was nothing more than paparazzi and covered her face, it was actually a kind of awkward moment. .Realizing that these were not photo hounds, Lindsey decided that she was going to give them an autograph, an autograph written in her own blood! (Sorry for the overly dramatic line, I tried to explain to my editor that it was a little much but he insisted, we compromised with me keeping the line but adding this explanation to you) She then charged at one of the officers who in turn opened fire, hitting her in the left leg. Screaming at the top of her lungs she then leaped(from her good leg) into the air and did something that can only be described as simply amazing. You know that move from Street Fighter 2? The one Chun Li does where she twirls through the air kicking for about five or six feet? That move, Lindsey Lohan did that freaking move, what’s even more amazing is that it worked and she took out the officer firing on her(he had actually stopped shooting so as to watch her kick). Sadly though, that was all Lohan had time to do. Directly after landing her kick, all other officers surrounding her opened fire, killing her instantly.

Lindsey Lohan dead at age 32. Disney released this statement following the incident, “We are saddened by today’s events, Lindsey was not only a great actress, but a singer as well. We have put both Freaky Friday 2, Freakier Friday and Herbie 2, Locked and Loaded, on hold. We are currently in talks with Selena Gomez to possibly take over the roles left empty by Lindsey. Today, the Disney flag flies at half mast.

Lohan Escapes!!! 3 dead in daring freeway getaway

Posted on by Talker99

Lindsey Lohan, who only earlier today was arrested for failing to show for court, has escaped from custody in what some are calling the most daring getaway ever performed.

While in route to a Beverly Hills police station, Lindsey apparently picked the lock to her handcuffs, kicked out the backseat window and then dove through it, falling onto the freeway. After rolling for almost 30 feet, Lindsey jumped up and ran towards a construction site located on the opposite side of the freeway.

Dodging both bullets and speeding traffic, she ran like a woman with nothing to lose.. Suddenly, according to officers on the scene, a black helicopter appeared over the construction site and opened fire. When it was cleared of police, the helicopter touched down and started shooting cover fire for Lohan. She then,using Parkour type moves, traversed the construction site and jumped into the helicopter. As a final show of her defiance, Lindsey grabbed a gun and shot out two more police cruisers, injuring four officers.

It is believed she may be trying to flee to Mexico but has not been confirmed. Police are asking that if you have any information on her whereabouts that you contact them immediately.

Lindsey Lohan Arrested

Posted on by Talker99

Lindsey Lohan, who was issued a warrant for her arrest after failing to comply to court orders, was arrested this morning after a tense police standoff that lasted almost 6 hours.

Police had been looking for the actress ever since she again failed to show up for her scheduled court appearance this past Monday. Lohan was then spotted throughout the week by paparazzi as she went from nightclub to nightclub, all the while looking more and more haggard.

TMZ also caught her on video in the parking lot of the Devils Backbone Nightclub doing what seemed to be cocaine. When they asked her if she was worried about jail time she added, “Screw the police, they couldn’t catch the Clap.”

Police were never far behind though and caught up with her this morning at the Four Seasons Hotel. When an officer presented himself to her she pushed down the friend she was with and ran. The officer gave chase but Lindsey quickly threw a bottle of pepper spray towards him, causing the officer to trip. Lindsey then flashed her card key to her room, dived inside and promptly locked her door.

The next few hours were spent by officers trying to find a way into her room after she barricaded her door and placed mattresses over her windows. Eventually the officers pushed through and Lohan was arrested, charging her with resisting arrest, attacking a police officer and vandalism.She is being held without bail and should be placed before a judge Monday morning. More as it develops

Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

Posted on by Talker99

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the blog) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.


Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you know ever been the victim of an Otter crime? For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes that are reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork done by police. Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t think  an Otter could live anywhere around them, asking, “don’t Otters need to live around water?”

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

Another reason that so many Otter crimes go unreported is for lack of education to the general public. Most would ask what kind of crimes an Otter might be capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and there are many more we didn’t even mention such as, Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce,

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

the list goes on and on.

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Scientists say a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within a week, families prepare for the worst

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists announced today that a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within three or four days, dramatically changing the surface of its terrain. The comet, nicknamed Ol’ Glory by the Warcraft Astronomer who found it(BizKilla345), will probably strike somewhere in the Broken Isles area, causing massive tsunamis and Worldcraft wide devastation.

As news of the impending doom spread around the online world, violence quickly erupted, causing at least twenty thousand confirmed fake deaths in the unreal communities of the false world. Looting, riots and annoying lags of internet connections are just a few of the problems that the families of the World of Warcraft have been going through since hearing of the mile wide comet, but underneath it all there have been stories of compassion as well.

We heard from SmiteUall33, who told us of a man who has been giving away all his Warcraft possessions to those affected by the violence and to those who are still new to the World. Sadly though, his kindness was taken advantage of by some rouge Ironforge Dwarves, who killed him while he prayed with a Blood Elf.

No plans have been made yet for evacuation though many are hoping that the World of Warcraft players will soon realize that it is only a game and get back to their real, everyday lives.