Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

Hidden deep within this very post, a Ninja lies in wait. Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a fucking Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are supposed to be quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that? That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

He was trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college, but I don’t know where one is and if there is one around here, I don’t think they’re taking your application any time soon.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja? I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, There’s a Monster at the End of this Book. You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end, everyone is left to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his partner Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination, thankfully though, that plan is never realized. Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn told us by phone,  “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

World Population Update

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 8 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Glade, Tennessee

After getting lost almost three years ago while their family was vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home, and the community surrounding them has been stricken with aww shucks fever.

One can only imagine what kind of incredible journey these animals have had. Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, they at one point were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of their biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers who suffers from Hyper tension disorder) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched to their former home for pickup,”For three years these animals have made an incredible journey, now that journey has come to an end. They will be split up now and placed in holding stations for either euthanasia or adoption, but considering the age of these animals it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store. At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the mens fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen year old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts.. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come down from the hills because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the malls food court but then it stuck around because of the amazing savings that were to be had at the Macy’s one day sale.

New post on womans blog

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress, came back today in full force after being on vacation with her husband and two kids for the better part of a week. So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins. According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, even prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Woman receives late night wrong number

Brenda Moore, a resident of Huxley, Iowa, was surprised last night to have received a 2 A.M. phone call from Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lived many ages before there were men.

The call, which lasted all of thirty seconds, was a simple dialing error on the part of Cthulhu(pronounced Kt-tol-ulhu), who was looking for a number ending with 364 but had mistakenly dialed 643 instead.

We talked to Brenda about the call and she told us that The Great Old One who lived many ages before there were men, “were nothing but nice, and once they realized their mistake were full of apologies.” She then added, “It was the exact opposite of what I thought Cthulhu would be like, especially since he’s a monster the size of a mountain and has a heart that is the darkness which has always been. Plus I had no idea he would be British.”

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said  today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.

Family of four found dead after Daughter declares it Opposite Day

New Hampshire, NM

Four bodies were discovered today, each in a separate location of the city but all belonging to the same family. Police were baffled as to how such a tragedy could have taken place, though foul play was not suspected.

Soon after a neighbor of the Cavanaughs came forward with information that helped give a clearer view of the events leading up to the deaths.

A press conference was held this morning and Sgt. Frank Littleton told reporters how something like this could take place in the once peaceful community.

“At approximately 10:22, 11:56, 12:02 and 12:13 p.m., four bodies, all members of the same family, were discovered in separate locations throughout our city. Amanda Cavanaugh, age 38, was discovered unconscious in her vehicle after she inadvertently caused a massive 7 car pileup when she drove backwards onto the I-17. Medical staff pronounced her dead shortly after her arrival to the Meyer-Steed Medical Center.

When police arrived at the Cavanaugh residence to alert her family, they found the front door open and a large amount of blood spread along the walls of the home. Upon further inspection they found 8-year-old Megan Cavanaugh fully clothed and in the bathtub where she had apparently drowned.

Shortly after, the Cavanaughs neighbor arrived home and the responding officers asked if he had seen anything unusual from the Cavanaughs. He proceeded to tell the officers that earlier that day he had witnessed the father going backwards everywhere he went. When he asked what Mr. Cavanaugh was doing, he was told that their daughter had declared it Opposite Day and he was just playing along. The neighbor added that at first he thought nothing of it but soon realized that Mr Cavanaugh was alone and the daughter was nowhere to be found.

A short while later a call came through announcing that Mike Cavanaughs body was found after witnesses reported that he had been hit while walking backwards onto a crosswalk and into the path of a city bus.

Finally, a short while after Mikes body was found, their 15-year-old son Alan Cavanaugh, was shot dead by police when he refused to drop a knife he was carrying. The officers were responding to a report of a man carrying a knife through a residential area and looking suspicious. When they arrived and went to question Alan, he refused to drop the weapon after repeatedly being asked to. Every time the officers would yell to put it down and get on the ground he would just switch hands with the knife and step closer, crying as he did. The officers opened fire, hitting him twice in the chest, killing him instantly.

After piecing the day’s events together, what is believed to have taken place is sometime in the early hours young Megan announced that today was Opposite Day. She then proceeded to take a bath in her clothes and thinking the opposite of staying above water would be to go under it, she did just that, causing her death.

What is confusing about the rest of the events of the day is why both her parents and her brother decided to stick with celebrating Opposite Day.

One theory being presented is that after finding their daughter in the bath they all became so distraught that they proceeded to follow the rules of Opposite Day in order to honor her memory, this in no way confirmed though.

On a lighter note, the blood found at the Cavanaugh home turned out to be nothing more than water and ketchup, which forensics had a good laugh about later in the day.

This is my first post in almost three years. I can admit that I am a little rusty. Ill get back into the groove soon enough.

Man arrested after claims of little people

A man dressed in a long black sleepgown and red sneakers was arrested last night following multiple calls from concerned residents about his erratic behavior.

The man, who called himself Gargamel the Wizard, was seen running through the forest chasing invisible blue creatures. Once police arrived on the scene he became more and more belligerent and ultimately charged at one of the officers resulting in use of non lethal force to restrain him.

An investigation revealed that the man had been consuming large amounts of mushrooms that grow throughout the surronding forest. The mushrooms are know to have hallucinogenic properties and this was the cause of his behavior.

Officer Mike Strode told reporters that Gargamel claimed that deep in the woods there was a secret village of blue colored little people and he needed to find their location so as to use them in his magic spells.

Gargamel has been sent for psych evaluation.

Gargamel the wizard looking wizardy

More as it develops.

[NO] CLUE

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