Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end, everyone is left to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his partner Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination, thankfully though, that plan is never realized. Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn told us by phone,  “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

World Population Update

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 8 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Glade, Tennessee

After getting lost almost three years ago while their family was vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home, and the community surrounding them has been stricken with aww shucks fever.

One can only imagine what kind of incredible journey these animals have had. Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, they at one point were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of their biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers who suffers from Hyper tension disorder) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched to their former home for pickup,”For three years these animals have made an incredible journey, now that journey has come to an end. They will be split up now and placed in holding stations for either euthanasia or adoption, but considering the age of these animals it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store. At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the mens fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen year old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts.. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come down from the hills because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the malls food court but then it stuck around because of the amazing savings that were to be had at the Macy’s one day sale.

New post on womans blog

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress, came back today in full force after being on vacation with her husband and two kids for the better part of a week. So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins. According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, even prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said  today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.

Dora the explorer missing

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to come home from their hike up Green Mountain where they were looking for a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue  cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her Green Mountain Hike. No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case, as are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly to all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there. One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking you to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper. The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of  multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

It’s the thirty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and many people are still left with unanswered questions surrounding that night.

Never before had anything like what happened in that small town(dubbed “Americas Small Town” by the main stream media) taken place and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought. We sat with Peter Davis, a Professor at the University of Houston, who teaches a course on the subject and he told us how that day forever changed us and why we should be prepared so it can’t and won’t happen again

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

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“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen. These were creatures who basically lived for the night. They ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light and multiplied like crazy if touched by water. They were like no other animal because their sole purpose seemed to be destruction and mayhem, yet they were intelligent at the same time. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well but these creatures had a complete disregard for life. They took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them, human and KFC alike….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe a town off the face of the Earth. No man woman or child was spared in their havoc.  Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven. If what they say is true though, then it shows that we truly do not know what we are dealing with and must prepare for when it inevitably happens again.”

Continued on page 147.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Recent study shows that women blame men

For Birmingham, Alabama couple Eddie Cameron and Sylvia Statton, being in a relationship with one another was a breath of freshly needed air. According to sources close to the pair, neither of them were anything like their previous relationships which, according to police reports, was the best thing for both of them.

So imagine young Eddies reaction when he found out late one night during a heated argument(about money) that Sylvia was exactly like all the others when it came to arguing.

“We were yelling about the electric bill. “Eddie told us by phone Saturday night, “And she says something like, You don’t ever tell me how much money you have, so I don’t know what I can and can’t do! So I yell back that I tell her everything and if i forget then she just needs to freaking ask me.

All of a sudden she comes at me with, “you won’t let me in, do you not trust me? These fights happen because you don’t talk to me when your stressed about money.” So I look at her confused and asked her if she was blaming me for her spending of all our money? That’s when it hit me, Jessica, my last girlfriend used to do the same thing. We would constantly fight and she would blame me for her actions.”

A recent study at Yale showed that women were 84 percent more likely to do this in a fight. It doesent matter if its about who ate the rest of the ice cream or if she is cheating, eventually the guy somehow gets blamed. More so even for women on the west coast.

Roger Farris, a scientist who started the study, had this to say, “We found that women had a defense mechanism embedded in their brain that would not let them admit they were to blame. I’ll be honest with you, after the results came through, I thought about being gay, just for a moment. It really was frighting stuff. The women that can admit to any wrong doing on their part, honestly, really haven’t, they just say they are wrong just to shut the boyfriend or husband up.

After the argument is over, what happens to these subjects is that the thought that they are right begins to fester, breeding more thoughts even, until it is to late. That’s when the bad stuff happens……the really scary shit.”

What will happen to Eddie and Sylvia’s once peaceful relationship? Only time will tell but we wish them the best.